Unspoken Words
by Chi5
Summary: A different HYD. A new start, a new background as Tsukushi tell her story. COMPLETED!
1. Finally Home

[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 1: Finally Home

I am a mute. Yes, that's right, I can not speak, but I wasn't born the way I am now. I was born as a healthy, normal child. This happened when I was around 3. Though it is over a decade ago, I can still remember it like yesterday. The memory of the day that changed my life forever haunts every single night after that incident for many years. Many years have passed since then, I have partly overcome the trauma after numerous visits to the psychiatrist. However, when I close my eyes now and with the tiniest effort, I can already see the accident occur with every detail as if experiencing it all over again.

~~~

_It was a Sunday. I have been whining to go to the zoo for weeks. Yet, my parents kept saying, "We will go next week." I knew they didn't mean it since they have said that for so many weeks that I can't even remember how many. I decide that I will trust them no more. This time I would get what I want and when I want. It was a sunny day, not too hot nor too cold, but just right. There is not a better time to go to the zoo than now. I wailed and begged and cried. Finally, they gave in and decide that it would be a family day. _

_On the bus, I busily played with the doll I brought with me just to kill the boring time on the bus. I could not wait till I got to the zoo. I have been waiting for this for a long time - so I thought. I was totally wrong though. If I can go back in time and change the history, I would do everything I could to stop that trip from happening._

_Mama was sitting next to me on my right with my little brother in her arm. He was still every young and cute. Even though I wasn't much older than he was, I always liked to act like a big sister, that I was, and order him to do some tricks for me. I would tell him to give me his hand or to stand or to sit. But of course, he didn't know how to do any of the things I ordered him to. He was just too young at the moment to learn to do such things. Papa was reading newspaper on my left. I thought I was going finally going to get what I wanted just as I heard the screeching of the tires on the bus. People started to scream and yell and cry. Papa wrapped his arms around my tiny body and tried shield me with his own body from what was going to hurt us. I didn't know what was happening but I was scared. I didn't like the way people were screaming for their life. I didn't like the way Papa was holding me like it was going to be the last time he will ever do so, which was true. I heard a loud bang and some more screeching of the bus on the road. There were some flips and turns. I then knew it was a collision. The great turbulence have shattered all the windows an the bus and some people were thrown out of their seat and eventually onto the road. The inside of the bus was quite demented. Papa was still holding me and we managed to slip into a free spot in the now crooked bus so that I wouldn't crush to death. When the bus came to a full stop, there was only silence. I started whimpering for the pain in my leg. I was really scared. I tried to scream as loud as I could, but not a single sound left my mouth. You know how you can try to scream so loud that your mouth just can't make any sound? Well, I guess that was it. I pulled and pushed frantically at Mama and Papa but there was no response. There was only silence. No matter how much I begged them to answer me they just won't do as I asked. Soon, the siren was heard and I was rescued._

~~~

Not many people survived the horrendous collision and I was one of the few. I don't know if I should be count as lucky or unlucky. Sure, I am lucky that I survived and only had a broken leg and the lost of my voice. The doctors said that my lost of voice was due to trauma. They say that my vocal cord was absolutely fine but it is just that my brain refuses to speak. With all the damages done to my body, I guess I am still lucky. At least I still has my life. But also unlucky that from then on I would have to live the rest of my life by myself. My parents along with my little brother didn't survive the accident. They were killed instantly. I blamed myself for that. If only I didn't insist to go to the zoo and if I didn't let my Papa protect me with his own body or even if I was never born, then my family would still be here with me today. There was a period of time when I kept hearing voices of my family yelling at me for causing their deaths and I became quite paranoid. I would curl myself into a fetal position in a corner of the room and shiver with droplets of sweat rolling down my face. I was young and understood very little. No one explained to me that it wasn't my fault. Anyways, after I was released from the hospital, I was sent to the orphanage. After all, I had no relatives. If I don't go to the orphanage, then I wouldn't have any places to go. For months, I wouldn't dare to close my eyes. Once in darkness, I would go through the pain again and again. So, I was never able to sleep at night. Then during day, I would be too tired to do anything, even to eat. The energy I used to have for life slowly drains from me. I was pretty much paranoid. It tortured me to such a point that they hospitalized me with a psychiatrist to visit once in a while. The doctor was the first one to explain to me that nothing that happened was my fault. I accepted that and started a happier life. Well, not totally happy, but better than before. Soon, I was able fall asleep again and be able to close my eyes. However, once in a while, I would be awaken with sweat on my forehead from the same nightmare that I have been having for years and even now. 

Although I was in an orphanage surrounded by many other kids who have their own reason for being there, I was alone and lonely. Because of my lack of ability to speak, the others see me as something from outer space or the perfect object to play their pranks on. So, the kids either shunned me or bullied me. For many times, I was teased, bullied, and even beaten. Even the tiniest and weakest kids would choose to pick on me. Though I was young, I did learn a lesson from that. I learned that if you don't want others to look down at you, you must not look down at yourself. And when people still don't respect you, then you just have to MAKE them. It was on the day that I was being pushed around by a kid smaller than me that I learn how to MAKE them respect me.

~~~

_It was an ordinary day where I was alone sitting under a tree to see all the other obnoxious, selfish, self-center, and insensitive kids play on the playground. It has been 3 years since I lived here. Though I wanted to go and play on the monkey bars, I didn't go. I just had another one of the nightmare the night before, I was already physically and mentally tired. I didn't want to start being harassed by the other kids again. I thought that if I didn't bother the world, then the world wouldn't come and bother me. I was wrong again. One of the weakling among the kids came and claimed that it was his spot under the tree and told me to get the hell out of there. What he said was just totally a lie because this had been my place ever since I could remember. This guy was known for the weakest and now even he was here to pick on me. He pulled me up by the arm and pushed me hard enough to lose my balance and land on the ground. That was it! I wanted to scream to him that it is my spot. I opened my mouth ready to scream in the loudest voice that boy would ever hear, but nothing came out. I was angry at myself for that. Well, if I couldn't win a fight verbally, then I might as well win it physically. _

_The little boy sat down under the shade of the tree while I stood over him giving him the glare that would mean "You-will-be-sorry-if-you-don't-leave-now". I guessed he didn't understand that glare and just scoffed and looked away. That was my line. I pulled him up with just one hand and punched him across the face, sending him to fall on the hard ground beneath him. Before the poor boy could even take a breath to wail, I have already pounded on him, pinning him down with one hand and hitting him with the other. The commotion soon attracted the others at the playground. I just wanted to get through the day without any trouble, but I guessed that wasn't going to happen after all._

_One of the bigger kids, known to be the head of them all, pulled me off of the little one under me and threatened to hurt me. Of course, I am not going to lose now that I have started the fight. I am sick and tired of being the loser, the quiet one, or the weak one. Though from comparing the size of me and the bigger boy in front of me, it seemed hopeless to even lay a scratch on him, but I was not going to give up. Soon, both the boy and I tumbled and rolled on the ground. Somehow I managed to bleed his nose which ended up making him cry. Later we were separated by one of the adults who was in charge at the moment. Ever since that first fight, no one dared to bully me again. That was how I learned to make others respect me. Well, I was not really sure if they respected me, but as long as they didn't pick on me, it was good enough._

~~~

On the plane, which I am on right now, I look out the window. I can see the land coming to vision now. The announcement came on saying that they plane will land in 15 minutes. I am excited and nervous. I haven't been back for ages and today is the day I have been waiting for ever since I left Japan. Finally, I am coming home. Here at home, are the people that have taken me into their home to become a part of their family. I am grateful for that. I can't wait to see his face again. Even when they all know perfectly well that I am not really their kid, they still treat as if I am. I have never felt left out or unwanted. This is the family that have rescued me from the misery I was having in the orphanage. 

~~~

_Again, I was under that big tree, in the shade. That must had been the most comfortable spot in the area. I kneel down looking at the line of ants that were walking back to their little home while carrying food on their back. Then a shadow covered me, I immediately tensed up with my hand into a fist ready to fight who ever it was. I looked up and the boy kneels down next to me and stared at the line of ants that I had been staring at for who knows how many hours. He seemed harmless and not in any way threatening. I relaxed and let him watch the trail of ants with me. This boy was as quiet as I was and I liked it. Finally, there was someone like me. At least it seemed like me at first. I realized that my assumption was wrong when I heard him spoke._

_"They are all useful," that was what the boy said._

_I looked at him and nodded. Indeed, I agreed with him. Even though they are all small, they are all helpful - unlike me. I felt quite useless most of the time. I wondered why I had to survive that accident. If only I could die along with the others. How I wished I was useful and be able to bring them all back. These were the thoughts I would push away with every chance I had. I knew I had to live strong and look forward and not backward._

_Then it started. Some bigger guys in the playground were just to fed up with me that they had to come and pick a fight. The ridiculous boys came and stomped on the trail of ants, killing some of them. I hated being disturbed. Haven't they learned not to mess with me? I guessed I would just have to refresh their memory on that. Standing up, I put my hands on my hip showing how upset I was. Yet, they didn't seem to care. Perhaps they thought that they could over take me with the number of people they had on their side? Some pushing started and the quiet boy who was beside me stood up too. Before the serious fight would start, the quiet boy stood in front of me as if to protect from the tedious boys that were ready to serious beat me up. With some shoving and and pushing, the fight finally began but was ended moments later when a few adults came and pulled us apart. Two finely dressed people, a man and a woman, rushed to the side of the quiet boy and brushed the dust and dirt off his face and shirt, while the rest of the kids along with me were being scold by the old nun. I never like that old lady. All she ever did was yell at us and now she was going to do it again as if we would actually listen. I looked at the quiet boy that was being pampered by the two adults, not paying attention to any of the things that old nun was saying. That boy is different from us, the orphans, I decided. From the concerned looks on the 2 adults faces, I assumed that they were his parents. Now, why would a kid with parents be in a place like this? I didn't understand then. Before the lecture that the old nun was giving us was over, the quiet and mysterious boy had already left with his parents._

_The next day I was surprised when the bitch, nun, finely dressed me and lead me to a room that I have never been to before. There in the room, I saw the quiet boy that I saw yesterday. It is then that I knew I will have a home of my own soon. That family took me home with them. I was truly happy for the longest time. I learned that the generous family that is willing to take me in was called Hanazawa and the quiet boy's name is Rui._


	2. Seeing All of You Again

[Chi's work]

Chapter 2: Seeing all of You Again.

I step out of the gate where of the arrivers were going through to meet their loved ones that have been waiting anxiously for them to come out from the airport. I look around, searching for any familiar faces. It has been six long years ever since I left this place. It was six years ago that my new parents decided to send me to the US where the best doctors were. They wanted me to be treated by the doctors with best recognition and make sure that I have my voice back. There in the US, I had been examined and tested, but nothing they did helped me gain my voice back. During all these years I hope for every day that I would be able to return home the next day. My wish finally came true. It was lonely in US without my quiet friend, Rui. It was just last week that I would take no more of the loneliness. I decided to come back whether Mom likes it or not. I have survived all these years with no problem. I doubt that it would make much differences if I ever recover. I don't want to waste my time in a foreign country, seeing people that I don't care. 

It was mystery a to me why the highly status couple would want to take me into their family. I found out about the reason shortly after I moved into their mansion. The house they lived in can only be described as the castles in fairytales. I felt like I was Cinderella, one of my favorite fairytales. Me, who is dirty and filthy in the dump of the orphanage is rescued to live in the castle-like home. What more could I ask? The size of my bathroom was the size of my bedroom in the orphanage. Not long after I moved in, I over heard the conversation of Mr. and Mrs. Hanazawa whom I now call Mom and Dad. I can't make out all the exact words now. It was just too long ago. But their conversation involved me and the reason why I am living with them. They were worried for Rui, for he never speak or show any emotions. They wanted someone to be with him so bring him out of his shell. They wanted to give him a little brother or sister, but Mom has her own problem and is not able to bear another child. So, the next best thing is to find him one among all those children that no one wants, which I am one of them. They chose me because it is the first some Rui would stand up and show his emotion for someone. I felt special by that and finally for the first time, I felt useful. I didn't feel like as much of a "Waste-of-space" or a burden to the world anymore. I have found the reason for me to be here and to live. I didn't really feel used as both Mom and Dad treat me greater than I can ever ask. They let me study in the finest school, and dress me in the finest clothes. I was like a princess.

"Tsukushi."

I faintly hear someone calling my name. Yes, Tsukushi is my name. Makino Tsukushi. I kept my original family name. At first they insisted that I should change my name to Hanazawa Tsukushi. However, I didn't want to forget my family and who I am. Seeing my determination, they didn't force me to do something strongly against my will.

I turn to look around to see who called my name. Searching frantically among the crowd, I cannot wait anymore...I have waited way too long. It isn't very hard to find the people I am looking for, since they are all finely dressed and well, HOT is the word, comparing to all those plain, ordinary people around them. They are all here. Nishikado Soujiro, Mimasaka Akira, Doumyouji Tsukasa, and last by not least, Hanazawa Rui. 

"Tsukushi," Rui says again, in one of his calm tone, while I, who is already jumping with joy, pounce on him, wrapping both my arms around his neck. He, in return, wraps his arm around me, brushing the long hair that descends to my back. Tears are starting to form, but I don't care and let them roll down my cheeks. Rui, who seems to know already that I am crying even when he can't see my face, chuckles at my silliness. I finally let go of him and he wipes the tears off my face with his thumb and says, "Welcome home." I nod.

I look at the smiling Soujiro and Akira that are surrounding us. They are still the same. They would always put on a smile in front of anything that is of the opposite sex. Don't they know that their charm doesn't work on me? Tsukasa looks at me, studying me from head to toe. He isn't smiling though. Perhaps he is pretending to be his obnoxious cool self again. Tsukasa spreads open his arms and reaches toward me. With quick reflexes, I lift my arm ready to punch him since I thought he wants to start another fight like usual, but stopped half way from my goal. 

"What's wrong with you?" Tsukasa asks with one hand holding onto my wrist that is up in the air.

I shrug and smiles again before hugging him. When I release him from my grip, his big grin is shown on his face making him look retarded, not that he isn't already.

I know he doesn't mean any harm, but it is just that it seems he is always asking for a fight whenever he sees me. The slightest movement that he would make toward me, my reflex would take over me before I can think. This had actually saved me from many serious injuries that I could have gotten from Tsukasa. It has became a tradition that I would beat him up or attempt to beat him up when I see him. This makes me sound unreasonable, but I am not. It is always Tsukasa who triggers me into being violent. I guess I just had to protect myself. We never do any serious damages to each other though, only minor bruises. It has always been like this, even when I first met him.

~~~

_"Give it!" a little boy yelled. He was only 8 at that time. "Stop being such a baby! How old are you?! You are already 8! You should have stopped playing with stuff animals a long time ago!"_

_The little boy pulled on one end of the teddy bear while Rui gripped on the other end. It had only been a few weeks since I had moved in to live with my new family. I was in my room, getting dress when I heard an unfamiliar voice of an angry child in Rui's room. I decided that I would go over to his room to see what was going on as soon as I get myself dressed. As I walked toward Rui's room, I heard a couple more different voices._

_"Don't do that. You will just make him cry," the second boy said._

_"I don't care. This time he is going to have to play with us. It is more fun with more people!" the angry child demanded_

_"If he cries, he will just throw up again. Just leave him alone," a third voice was heard._

_"Are you on my side or on his side?!" the persistent voice asked._

_I opened the door to Rui's room and saw a boy with curly hair pulling Rui's favorite play toy, trying to take it away from him. Before I could ran over to Rui's side to help him in the tug-o-war, the bear was already ripped in half. Rui started to moan as tears well up in his eyes. I was furious at this curly hair boy who just bullied Rui. _

_"Tsukasa, look at what you've done," the second boy said._

_"Well, it's about time he lose that thing, Soujiro," Tsukasa replied without any shame or guilt._

_"Tsukasa, Rui is crying," The third boy add in._

_"Akira, he always cries! Like a cry baby!" Tsukasa scoffed._

_Seeing this ridiculously arrogant boy reminds me of those who bullied me in the orphanage. I walked up in front of him and even then, he was way taller than I was. I looked up at him and wanted to tell him to apologize to Rui right away. But of course, my body didn't allow a single word to leave my mouth. Tsukasa looked at me with his nose still up high and said, "So, you are that little brat they brought home to be Rui's new toy?" Tsukasa didn't bother to look at me straight in the eye as if the sight of me would sore his eyes. That was it. First he harassed Rui, now he insulted me. My theory of "If I can't win a fight verbally, then I might as well win it physically." pops into my mind. I jumped on him, pushing him on the carpeted floor. I did all I could to make him stay down so that I could have a chance to beat the shit out of him. I managed to give him a few punches that merely hurt him before he changed our position where I was pinned on the floor instead of him. He was too strong, probably the strongest opponent I had ever came across. I knee him in the stomach attempting to get him off of me so that I would have a chance of winning the fight. However, he hold on and was about to give me a black eye when Soujiro and Akira pulled him away from me. I was going to pounce on him again but Rui hold me in place. Then a girl who looks a little older than all of us comes in. She had long dark hair and she looked quite like the obnoxious boy that I was fight just a minute ago._

_"Tsukasa! Were you picking on Rui again?" the girl yells into Tsukasa's face._

_I smiled at the sight when I saw how scared Tsukasa looked when he saw the fuming girl._

_"Tsubaki...I...I..." Tsukasa tried to explain, but before he could get his answer out, the girl already slapped the back of Tsukasa's head hard enough to make him yelp. I looked at Tsukasa's face and saw a few bruises. I was quite satisfied at the damages that I had done to his face._

_Tsubaki looked at me and her face turned friendly again, unlike when she was yelling at Tsukasa. She studied me for a few seconds as if trying to understand what was happening just by looking at me. I then looked the dress that I was wearing and it was all ruffled up. I quickly straighten it the best I could and faced her again and I smiled. She smiled back before turning back to her brother._

_"Just how ridiculous can you get? You even beat up on girls now?" Tsukasa roared into Tsukasa ears. Tsukasa no longer had his nose high up. Instead his face was almost low to the floor. I silently giggled at that._

~~~

That was how we met. That fight turned us into inseparatable friends.


	3. A Girl Who Replaced Me

[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 3: A Girl Who Replaced Me

I look at Rui who is in front of me. It is the face that I have longed to see.

"Rui!" I heard a girl call at a near distance. I look around a see a girl with wavy long hair, a girl that has beauty no one can compare to. The girl walks over and slid her hand in Rui's naturally. I frown at that but quickly hide my expression with one of my smiles. Who is this girl? I have never seen her before.

"You must be Rui's little sister. I am Toudo Shizuka," the girl introduces herself to me. I smile at her.

"Well, lets get going! I have stand here long enough," Soujiro says as he lead the group to where their cars are. Shizuka has her arm around Rui's.

When we get to Rui's car, Shizuka climb in on the front seat. That was suppose to be my seat. She has replaced me. I sit in the back seat by myself and look at the 2 in front of me. Shizuka turns around with a big smile on her face.

"Rui told me a lot about you," Shizuka says with friendliness.

He did? I look at her with a questioning look. As if understanding my expression, she answers, "Yes. He told me some of your childhood stories. Some are quite interesting and fun. I envy you a lot to share such wonderful memories with my little Rui here."

I can't believe what I just heard. He talked to her? He, the one who wouldn't show any affections to others talks of our past to this stranger, and now she claims that it is HER Rui? I always thought that I am the only one that he would ever care other than himself. It proves me wrong again. 

~~~

_F4 and I gathered under a tree looking at the bird nest above us. We saw that there were little birds inside and we wanted to take a closer look, but I was afraid that if I got to close to the nest, I would scare the babies in there. Seconds later, Tsukasa suggested that he would bring the nest down so that we could see what was it in. He starts to climb up the tree as I tried to pull him down. Tsukasa was annoyed again and yelled at me, "What do you want? Let go of me." He yanked and pushed me on the ground giving me a scrape on my wrist where blood was slowly flowing out. I looked at Rui with pleading eyes hoping that he would understand what I want. Amazingly, he did._

_"You will kill the babies by doing that," Rui said so faintly that we could barely hear it._

_Not even noticing that he had hurt me, Tsukasa was already up next to the nest. Moving closer to it to take a closer look, Tsukasa's hand slipped and knocked the nest over along with the baby birds in it. I looked in horror as the not yet feathered birds falls and died immediately as they hit the ground. I glared at Tsukasa for ruining everything. I think he understood because I saw guilt in his eyes. It was the first time I saw it though. I looked at the dead birds in front of me and tears started to fights its way out of my eyes. Those birds reminded me of my lost family. Not long after, I started crying. It was the first time the F4 saw me cry, and I think I kind of startled them. They have always thought that I am strong like steel and can stand anything if I wanted to. Tsukasa stood in front of me and looks at me apologetically. _

_"Sorry," Tsukasa muttered. It was the first time I heard him say that. He had bullied Rui many times before but never did he once apologized. _

_Rui hugged me in his arms and hushed me like I was a baby. He kissed me on my forehead and on my injured wrist as if it would take away the pain on my wrist and in my heart. I knew he understood why I cried although I didn't know how he knew. On the other hand, Tsukasa was annoyed by the scene again and turned his back on us with his arms crossed while pouting like a little brat. Well, he was a brat._

_"You know, she can HEAL BY HERSELF, Rui," Tsukasa announced._

_We didn't care what he said. Or to be accurate, Rui didn't care what he said. Rui kept on holding me in his arms until I would stop crying._

~~~

Whoever this girl, Shizuka, is. She must be a great person for Rui to like her so much. For that reason, I can't seem to hate her even when she has taken something so precious from me. Or was it ever mine? I have came back way too late to do anything now. If only I had stick to my decision of returning each time they persuade me that they can help me become normal again. Now my chance is gone and it is not likely that I will get another. I have always thought that I could be with Rui ever since I was young. We had so much in common, we had so many things shared. 

"It was very smart of you two to have thought of using Morse Code to communicate," Shizuka says as she turns her head to the back seat again.

I smile at her. She even knows that. That is supposed to be something shared only between Rui and me. He even told her that. Yes, we discovered to use Morse code to communicate when Rui was just too lazy to learn to understand the complicated sign language that I would do with my hands. We would hold each other's hand and squeeze it with rhythmic pulse of Morse code. I guess it is not our little "secret" anymore. I guess this girl has replaced me in Rui's heart when I was trying to be cured in a faraway land. I finally understand how little a place I had in Rui's heart. I am not as special as I thought I was.

~~~

Finally we are home. The house seems like as it has been like 6 years ago. Nothing had changed, except the people living in it. Mom and Dad are older and Rui is different now. Even I have changed. Over the years, what I thought was a brother-sister kind of love have changed into something else. So, I guess I can't blame Rui for having Shizuka by his side. He probably had never thought of me more than a mere little sister. He doesn't need me anymore.

I hug Mom and Dad at the door. I can't believe that they would wait for me at home when they should be working busily in their offices. Suddenly I don't feel as much discarded as a while ago. 

Soujiro, Akira and Tsukasa help me pull all my luggages into my room. Rui had already disappeared somewhere in the house. Soujiro and Akira then started unpacking my things without my permission while searching for any souvenirs that they had asked for. They start throwing my clothes all over the floor while I go running in my room trying to clean up my belongings. All the effect of folding piles of clothes neatly and packing them into boxes are now going to waste! 

"You have a bad taste in clothes," Akira comments.

Argh! It is none of their business of whether my taste in fashion is in style or not. I walk over to Akira and take the piece of clothing from him when Soujiro holds up a bra high in the air. I look and my face flushes.

"Oooooh! Lets see what size it is!" Soujiro teases. I can see the playfulness in his eyes before he continues, "I bet it is an A cup!"

"That was going to be my guess!" Akira exclaims.

My eyes widen and jump up in the air to grab my belonging. However, Soujiro keeps on lifting it higher just when I thought I was high enough to get it. This game that they are having, made me look like a dog that is trying to grab the toy from the owner. Akira keeps on laughing at the scene. That's when Tsukasa hit the heads of Soujiro and Akira. Soujiro drops my bra and puts both his hand on his head. Akira puts his hand on his head too to rub away the pain.

"What was that for?" Akira demands.

Tsukasa look dumbly at them, not knowing what kind of answer to give them. I know that he just doesn't want to admit he was helping. He never does whenever he did help. I don't understand what is the big deal in saying he helped.

Soujiro looks at me as I pick up my bra and I stick my tongue out at him before going to my luggage and taking out a couple of nicely wrapped boxes and place them on Soujiro's and Akira's hands. Although they had always tease me, it was only because they wanted to make me laugh or smile. It sure was fun having them around.

"How about me?" Tsukasa asks.

I smile sheepishly at him before digging up another box and put it in his hands. His face lit up immediately seeing that he has a gift too. How childish can he gets? He opened it and frowned a little. He takes the little octopus doll out of the box and looks at me questioningly. I points to the doll and then to his head and started laughing hysterically in silence. Akira and Soujiro looks at the present I got for Tsukasa and start laughing with me too.

From the bag that I had been carrying all along, I pulled out a little box that carries the present I got for Rui. I walk through the familiar hallway towards his room and opens the door only to find out that Rui is very busy at the moment. Apparently, Rui and Shizuka are kissing on the bed. Who knows what they will do next. I quickly bow apologetically at the startled couple and closed the door. The blood in my face are drained. So, they are that close already. I walk outside to the gigantic garden where no one would bother me. I don't want to be bothered now. My heart ache. I lay down lifelessly on one of the benches that is far away from the house. Far enough that no one would see me here. A tear roll down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away. I am not going to start crying now. What has happened, has happened. So, I shouldn't cry about it now. He is not that important to me anyways, I lie to myself. I stare up into the sky looking at the clouds that are floating by. The wind blows on my bare shoulder and I realize how cold I am. Nonetheless, I don't want to go back into the house yet. I don't want to see the couple and pretend to be happy. I lay there with my eyes closed concentrating on absorbing all the heat that the sun is shining on me. A shadow covers me, I knew, because the warmth of the sun is blocked. I open my eyes and I see Tsukasa looking at me. I sigh and turn to lay on my side so that my back is facing him.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

The wind blow again and I shiver. What is he doing here? I am not in a mood for this. If you are going to lecture me about the doll I got for you, I have nothing to say other than it looks like you. But to my surprise, he didn't mention anything about the cute little octopus doll I got for him.

"Lets get inside, or you will get a cold," he offered.

I look at him and show him with the signs I am making with my hands that I don't feel like moving. Yes, he knows some sign language. In fact he asked me to teach him. He said that it would be easier for him to understand me. I personally don't see what's the need for him to know. It is not like we talk very often. But since he asked in such sincere way that I have never seen him do before, I decided to teach him even when he is too stupid to learn.

He pulls me to an upright sitting position where I am facing him. I wonder what he wants to do. Then he turns around and kneel down in front of me. I then understand what he wants to do. I wrap my arms around his neck and lean against him as he lift me up the bench and carry me on his back. I am just not in the mood for anything. Not even walking. I rest my head on his right shoulder and my left arm resting on his left shoulder. His back is much warmer that the wooden bench. Boredly, I trace my left hand's finger down his neck and just a little below his neck, I felt something bumpy. I trace the bumpy line and realize that it is a scar. I wonder where this long scar comes from. I poke at his scar a few times, trying to get his attention to where I am pointing to. He finally understand what I want to ask and says, "Well, don't you remember? It is the scar I got when we were climbing the high fence. I remember you injured your leg at that time."

~~~

_It was a bet to see who would be able to climb over the fence the quickest. For some reason, Tsukasa thought that just because I am a girl, I would not be able to win him. I wanted to proof to him that he was wrong. It was a stupid bet, but whoever won could make the looser do anything he/she wanted. We counted to three before we ran to the fence and started climbing it. I was ahead of him and was happy - a little too happy when I slipped and fell on the ground from seven feet above. I winced in pain. My leg was bleeding. Tsukasa jumped off from wherever he was and got a cut on his chest from the wire fence. He kneels down before me to take a look at my bleeding leg. I hold on as hard as I could to stop the tears from coming. I was trying so hard that my face was all red. _

_"It's OK. You will be OK. If it hurts so much, just cry, don't hold it. It looks like you are going to explode," Tsukasa comforted. Though I didn't count the last part as much of a comfort._

_I didn't hesitate and started crying. Droplets of tears were dripping from my face. We were alone there. No one could help us. This time Rui wasn't coming to kiss my booboo away. He was having his violin lesson. Soujiro and Akira just were there either. Tsukasa then carried me on his back and went to find the nearest adult that could help us, while I cried on his back, almost flooding him with my tears. He wasn't even noticing the deep cut on his chest that was soaking his shirt with his blood._

_"Don't worry. You will be fine," Tsukasa said again._

~~~

I had a cut and a fractured leg that time. After recalling from the incident, I quickly stick out my leg in front of him and pull up my pants to show him the scar I have. Comparing his scar with my scar, I can't pick out who would win with the most hideous one.

"So, you have a big scar too," Tsukasa says.

The way he is carrying me now, is much like the time he was carrying me when I was injured. Though I am not physically injured now, I am internally. It is somehow comforting on his back.


	4. A Replacement

[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 4: A Replacement

I don't know how long it has been since I sat here. The autumn is bringing down the now yellow or red leaves to fall from their original place. I watch them drift to the ground as I, again, sit under a tree. I have enrolled into the same school as F4, in Eitoku. With the power and threats of Tsukasa, the principal has no choice but to let an imperfect me to attend to this well known school for those in the upper class in society. How can the principal disobey the F4 when the main source of funding is given by the Doumyouji family? I really don't know why Tsukasa insisted that I must be in the same school as they are. I know my situation and I know I might not be wanted in such high status school. 

People in the school isn't as nice as I hoped them to be. Very often, I have gotten some unpleasant comments by strangers about my disability, some are said because of the sympathy and pity they have for me. I don't like people seeing me as an alien. People has always pitied me for what I lack. I hate the look of sympathy in their faces. I just want to tell them that I am just as happy and as normal as anyone can be. After all, no one is perfect. Those pity look of strangers can suffocate me. Though I hate being pitied by others, I most certainly hate being insulted or criticized. In this school, a group of girls, leads by Asai, just can't stop getting off my back. I don't know what I had ever done wrong to them. Is my existence that much of a pain to them? What snobs. Today is only the first day of school for me in this unfamiliar school and I have already made enemies. They seem to think that I stick to the Tsukasa and Rui too much and that an imperfect me, do not deserve their love. Just what are they thinking about? Who ever said that they love me? But I do hope that what they think is true. At least I do hope that Rui loves me in a way that is more than just for sisters. Asai and her followers just can't stop themselves from harassing me. Unfortunately, I am just too depressed to fight them. My spirit has been drained out of me as the reason for my return to Japan is no longer valid. Seeing them, Rui and Shizuka, together just adds to my depression. Luckily, it seems that only Asai and her two friends have something to hold against me. Other than them, the rest of the school just ignore my existence and leave me to rest in peace. I guess none of them want to call for trouble as they all seem to know - but I don't know how - that I am with the F4. Here under a tree, away from any human beings is the first peaceful moment I have since the minute I step foot in this school. I close my eyes and enjoy my short lunch break under this securing tree that I lean my back against.

I hear scratching of the grass near me and my muscle quickly tense up. Just as I thought I can rest, someone has to come and destroy it. I open my eyes, hoping that it is not Asai along with her friends. My prayers are met. Standing in front of me is Tsukasa. Though not the first thing I want to see in the world, he is better than Asai. 

"What are you doing here?" Tsukasa asks as he sits down next to me.

I don't feel like answering his question. Actually, I don't even know why I am here myself. I just sit there, not moving an inch, not wanting to answer his questions.

"We were all waiting for you at the cafeteria," Tsukasa continues as he sees no response from me. His patience is certainly getting better. When has he improved? If he is his old self before I left Japan, he would be practically be beating an answer out of me by now even if it would just be a twitch of my eyes that I would give him.

Who are the "we" that he mentioned in the sentence? Does that include Rui? Does he even remember me now that he has the "love of his life"? Shizuka is kind in nature, friendly, outgoing, and not to mention gorgeous. Whereas, I am just a plain looking girl with a defective body. How can I ever compare to her? I have never felt so put down before. 

"You love him, don't you?" Tsukasa asks with his voice half shaking. I quickly turn my face to look at him. He has his head lowered so that I can barely see his face. However, I can still see that every muscle of his face is tensed. His hand have turn into a tight fist. How does he know? Am I that obvious? Does that mean Rui knows too? Just as quickly as Tsukasa's face have tensed up, it has relaxed. Before I knew it, he has already wrapped his arms around me. Surprised at his sudden action, my body doesn't know how to react. What is he doing? What is he thinking? I clutch onto the grass under my hands preventing my heart from jumping out of position from thumping too hard caused by the shock. What is he doing? Why is he so emotional today? To be honest, there aren't many times I had seen him so emotional. For most of the times I have known him, he has always been a childish, arrogant boy who shows nothing but his pride. I can somehow feel that he is depressed, but for what? Feeling his sadness, my arms wrap around him unconsciously as to comfort the big guy that I had once thought nothing can ever hurt him. His muscle tenses up as he feels the touch my of arms around him, but soon loosen and relax again. With his chin resting on my shoulder, he muffles into my hair, "Can't you love me the way you love him?"

Another shock. What is he talking about? His grip on me tighten. I can feel his warmth and the beating of his heart against my body as the beating fasten. Fasten? Why? Well, I know perfectly well why now. How can anyone not know? He loves me, I can tell. Since when? Well, this is something I haven't been expecting. I think back in time, trying recall any moment in history that would have hinted that he loved me.

~~~

_I was going to play the "mother-father" game with Rui again, while Soujiro and Akira wanted to play some kind of wrestling game. I didn't really like to play wrestling games, not that I would definitely lose. It was just that, why waste so much energy into getting yourself hurt when you can play a nice and quiet game of "family" or "tea party"?_

_Soujiro and Akira were jumping around yelling enthusiastically about the game they wanted to play while I hold on to Rui's hand, squeezing it with rhythm, telling him that I wanted to play "mom and dad". Rui spoke out my mind._

_"That's such a girlie game!" Soujiro exclaimed._

_"Only sissy would play it," Akira added in._

_Rui didn't bother to protest since he wasn't interested in doing anything anyways._

_"Well, I am tired, I rather play quietly with Tsukushi than waste my energy with you guys," Tsukasa suddenly spoke up._

_"What?!" Akira asked in surprise._

_"When had you become girl?" Soujiro mocked_

_Whack! There went a punch on both Akira's and Soujiro's heads. I giggled at the painful expression on their faces. It was quite amusing to see them whine about the pain that Tsukasa had put on their heads. Soujiro and Akira finally agreed to play for a while with what I wanted. They fought to be the one to play as "Dad"._

_"If I am going to play such stupid game, I should at least be the man who gets the girl," Akira explained._

_"I think I am, by far, most suitable for being the husband," Soujiro replied._

_That's right. At the age of 9, they were already very much into girls. I wonder if there was ever a time where they didn't notice girls. I cross my arms to wait for them to argue about who wants to be who and I was getting impatient._

_"I will be the father!" Tsukasa announced._

_Just when Akira and Soujiro wanted to protest, Tsukasa lifted his fist in front of them making them shut up about what they were going to say. While playing, Tsukasa suddenly said, "Maybe some day this will become real."_

_I looked at him with a puzzled face. What the hell was he talking about? But it didn't matter to me._

~~~

_It was Tsukasa's birthday. It was his 9th birthday. The food were lined up in a really long table. The cake was taller than I was. Many people attended his party. However, most of them were strangers to me. I didn't think Tsukasa would know all of them too. Some of them were old, definitely not Tsukasa's classmate, they were business men. I wondered where those people came from and for what reason they came. His parents didn't come back to celebrate his birthday though. I felt sorry for him about it. I remembered that when it was my birthday, my parents would buy me a cake and presents and we would have a little party at our house. Although the cake wasn't really big and the presents were very splendid, I had a great time because my parents were with me. _

_Tsukasa, Soujiro, Akira, Rui and I played together in a room away from the crowd in the main hall. We didn't know those people anyways, why bother wasting our time to social with them? Anyways, most of them that were there were only hoping to meet Tsukasa's parents to talk about business. Of course, those who came for that reason were in total disappointment. Akira and Soujiro were fooling around as usual and sometimes going out into the crowd to talk to some stranger girls. I didn't understand what they were doing then, but I do now. They were flirting. Rui and I were sitting on the comfy couch facing the window. We were not doing anything special. Rui was staring into the blue sky silently as I accompanied him and eventually he fell asleep. Tsukasa was sitting at another corner by himself being awfully quiet. I looked at him and knew something was wrong with him. He usually wasn't that quiet. Being silent is a "Rui" thing, but never a "Tsukasa" thing. Tsukasa is anything but quiet._

_I walked over to Tsukasa leaving the sleeping Rui on the couch. I sat down next to him._

_"I am bored," Tsukasa said, "They didn't come back."_

_"They" meant his parents, I knew. Who else could it had meant? I never thought Tsukasa cared much about his parents since he never talked about them. It was the first time I saw how lonely Tsukasa was. Well, come to think of it, it would be quite easy to guess. Who wouldn't be lonely if you live in a huge mansion with only your sister to interact with. He lacked nothing that money could buy. The only thing he didn't have was the love from his parents._

_"But that doesn't matter, as long as I have you by my side, I will be fine," Tsukasa said._

_I didn't really understand what he meant by that. But I do now._

~~~

While I was thinking hard about the past, Tsukasa kisses me. My eyes widen at his action. How many shocks can I take a day? It is only a soft quick kiss on the lips though. Nothing too much for me to handle at the moment. I look at him as he looks at me.

"Can we be together?" Tsukasa asks quietly and seriously.

I look at him, not daring to move an inch, afraid that any movement that I make would mean any kind of reply. Tsukasa moves closer again as I stare at him. I don't know what to do. My body is stoned. He kisses me again. This time it is different though. This is a more intense kiss. I don't exactly hate him. If I push him away now, it would probably hurt him. I think of something to do as his tongue playfully slid across my lips and automatically, my lips departs. Before I knew it, his tongue was already inside my mouth. What am I doing? I seem to be too enjoying this as I lost my thoughts and continue kissing. I guess things wouldn't turn out too bad like this. He needs me as I also need someone to comfort my shattered heart. I just hope that I have not done something that I will totally regret in the future.


	5. Decision and Intention

[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 5: Decision and Intention

Walking hand in hand with Tsukasa into the school cafe, I feel awkward as the eyes of the passerby pierce at me. I know the girls around me want to strangle me to death at this very second. The only thing that is stopping them from doing so is probably because of the man holding my hand has the ability to make them disappear from this school forever if they ever make the wrong moves. We strode toward the table where Akira, Soujiro, Shizuka and _Rui _were sitting. Just looking at him for another second, I would drown in the sorrow about the fact that he doesn't love me the way I love him. I feel guilty at the thought. Here I am, holding onto Tsukasa's hand when I am thinking about how much I love Rui instead. Have I made the biggest mistake in my life by returning Tsukasa's kiss and to agree to be with him? Am I using him? I don't want to know the answers, afraid that the truth will amount the guilt in me to a point where I can't breathe. 

The group has their heads up looking at our entrance. Their eyes widen as they see that Tsukasa is holding my hand. Is that a surprise look on Rui's face? The expression on his face soon got smooth out into one of his expressionless features. Tsukasa arm wraps possessively around my waist as if announcing to the world that he had claimed me. I wriggle uncomfortably at his touch, but his arm remains around me.

We sit down into two empty seats and immediately, Akira and Souniro start asking question and commenting on our new found relationship.

"Did I miss something lately?" Soujiro asks.

"I thought it would take Tsukasa another decade to get his confession out," Akira jokes.

Tsukasa lifts up his fist threatening to land it on their heads and Akira and Soujiro finally shut up about the issue. I look at Rui, who is sitting in front of me. His eyes stare at my hand that is tangled with Tsukasa's. A feeling of uneasiness sweep over me. I try to free my hand from Tsukasa's but his grip only tightens as I try. I give up and let him hold my hand. What is so fascinating about our entwined hands? I shift uncomfortably in my seat as Rui lifts his stare from my hand to my eyes. What are you trying to tell me? I can't read anything off your face. What are you trying to read from my face?

~~~

_I was playing in his room again. We were home alone again. Well, there of course were more than enough servants in the house with us, but there were no one to talk to in the house, making it seemed as if we really were alone. I guess for this reason, I was needed in this family - to accompany Rui. Although the house to humungous, the only place we liked to be in was Rui's room where it was cozy and felt like home. We had nothing better to do. I sat reading a book. Time was usually spent this way when F3 wasn't present to create any weird new games. However, I enjoyed the quiet times. It is not very often that F3 would not be around. I was so into the book I was reading that I didn't notice Rui was looking at me. He was staring at me, as if I was a book that he was reading. I looked up at him and see him still reading me, the expressions on my face. I asked with my petite hands why he was staring at me._

_"You look cute when you are fascinated," Rui simply said._

_How does he knew that I was fascinated? I didn't know. Was my face that obvious? Time was always passed like this in our childhood time. From then on, I realized how good he was at reading people's mind. Where did he learn to study people? Was he born with it? I was glad that he knew everything in my mind though. That way, I don't have to worry about the complicated signs that I make with my hands and try to simplify it just so that Rui would understand. He never really mastered the sign language. Why did he need to when he knew everything that was going through my mind?_

~~~

I dread the way he is looking at me now. I never thought that one day, like today, I would hate so much about his ability to read my mind. I don't want him to know the longing and guilt in my heart. The "longing" that I want to be with him and the "guilt" for using Tsukasa to ease my own pain. I don't want him to think of me as so low to use someone's heart to mend my own feelings. I look away avoiding his eyes.

~~~

Walking around, I try to find a place to hide. I need to hide from the vicious stares and insults of Asai. When have I ever become so weak to let the simple words of criticism of others remain boggling in my mind? I always believe that the insults of others can never pull me down since I know those words are never true. But it is different this time. This must be because some of them are actually are true. 

_"You are just using him."_

_"I don't know what he sees in you."_

_"You will just use him and dump him after you got what you want, won't you?"_

Use him? I suppose I am. Even though I hate those bitches who have been tormenting me all day, I still feel I deserved it. I feel like I should get a scold of the cruel things that I have done to Tsukasa - a guy I grew up with and love dearly. He is too good of a friend for me to bare to hurt. If I can have any wish now, it would be to go back in time and to never let those words that Tsukasa said to me come out of his mouth when we were under that tree. If I could, then things wouldn't be as complicated now.

However, the main reason for me to hide is that I can't face Tsukasa. I am too ashamed of myself to do so. I don't know just which minute or second that my true feelings would revealed. Seeing him so caring and loving, I sometimes believe that I could just fall in love with him. I don't want things to get too out of hand though. The longer this drags on, the more painful it will be.

I have wander to a long hallway that I have never came to before. A door in front of me has opened a crack and sun light pour in from that tiny space. It must be an exit leading to the outside. This place is suffocating me with my thoughts of guilt surrounding me. I need to have a breath of fresh air before I drown in my own problems. 

I walk closer to the door until I hear familiar voices coming from the outside. I walk slowly toward it to see the people who were having the conversation. I know for certain that one of the voices belongs to Rui. I can pick out his voice in a crowd. His voice is just too precious and special for me to forget.

I freeze as I see the other voice belongs to Shizuka. They were having a conversation. I know I should not eavesdrop but I just want to take another look at Rui.

"Why?" Shizuka asks calmly. A little too calm, just like it is before a storm.

Rui turns his back toward Shizuka. He only does that when there is a question he can't quite answer and it rarely happen. What is troubling the couple?

"If this is what you want, then I will respect your decision," Shizuka says again.

Decision? What decision? What is the big issue here? Am I missing something? I can tell that Shizuka is closed to tears. Why? Should I continue to listen anymore? I don't want to interfere in their relationship. I slowly back away making as little noise as possible. I don't want to be caught red handed when I am listening to others' conversation.

What was that all about? I regret for not staying a little longer to find out the answers. As I ask myself why I didn't stay only a little longer, I bump into someone. I look up and see the face that I have been hiding from - Tsukasa's. I put on a little smile on my face feeling that it is a little forceful, but I don't want him to suspect anything weird if I don't smile. He suddenly holds me in his arms and I naturally wraps mine around him.

"I thought you were gone," he mutters into my ear.

It is moments like this that I would feel like I can fall in love with him. Sometimes he can be really sweet. He is always afraid that I would leave. I don't know why though. Can he possibly be knowing my thoughts and intention? Tsukasa is always worry about my whereabouts. I know he cares, but sometimes it just scares me. It seems that he is obsessed. The more he loves me, the harder it is for me to tell him what I intend to. The fact that I don't want to hurt him by leaving him.

¡@


	6. I Am Trapped

I realized that I haven't been getting much comments lately....please.....do leave reviews....

~~~

[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 6: I Am Trapped

It has been a month since I started dating Tsukasa. As time passes, things start to change. As I get closer and closer to Tsukasa, I get farther and farther away from Rui. I don't mean it physically, I mean emotionally. What I mean is, Rui and I live in the same house and yet we rarely spend time together like we used to when we were young. What have gone wrong? I woke up early hoping to be able to leave for school together with Rui. He has been leaving really early lately. I always thought that he needs his 15 hours of sleep. I guess he grew out of it now? I don't know. How would I know when we barely talk to each other now. We live in the same house yet we go our separate ways. If I can't be with him, can't I at least spend some time with him? Doesn't he want to see me? Is suddenly my existence bothering him now and he can't bear to see another second of me? I knock on the door to his room. No answers. I slowly turn the knob, open the door, and peek inside through the tiny slit that I have opened. The bed is neatly made. He is not there. I close the door and goes to the kitchen, then dinning room, followed by the living room to search for his presence. He left. Again, I have missed the chance to go to school with him.

My car comes to a halt as it has reached the front gate of Eitoku. My chauffer turns around and says, "We are here." I smile at him as to thank him before opening the door to go through or to live through another day in Eitoku with the constant gossips and chatters about Tsukasa and my relationship. I walk slowly toward the gate almost dragging my feet toward it. I dislike the school. I have my head low, I am still disappointed from coming to school alone when I could have come with Rui. When I look up, I see Tsukasa standing there at the gate with a girl practically melting on him. That girl has red hair. She is probably the cutest girl I have ever seen. She looks more like a doll than a normal girl to me. Her face is too perfect for any word to describe. But this girl's beauty cannot really compare to Shizuka's though. Shizuka's beauty shows elegance, whereas this girl's beauty is of her cuteness. I can see Tsukasa's face fuming with annoyance. Anytime soon he will sure blow up on the girl. I smile to myself as I saw how Tsukasa frown while backing himself away from the determined cute girl. Tsukasa looks cute with the frown. I can hear the cute girl says, "Doumyouji senpai, do you want to have lunch together?"

"No! Get lost! Stay away from me!" I hear Tsukasa yells.

The sight is hilarious. Tsukasa is pushing the girl away as if she has some kinds of germ. If it were the old Tsukasa, he would probably have beaten up the girl by now. Somehow, somewhere in time, he has changed.

I walk up to them and Tsukasa greets me nervously as he attempts to push the red hair girl away from him again. I wave at the girl as to greet her.

"Hi! My name is Sakurako," the girl introduces herself.

This girl has quite the courage to act like this toward Tsukasa, especially in front of his girlfriend, me. I don't think I mind that much of her sticking on to Tsukasa. Tsukasa doesn't like her anyways.

"I can explain this," Tsukasa quickly says after Sakurako finished introducing herself.

I smile at him, indicating that he doesn't have to be so nervous. I am not angry at all. 

Another girl comes along peeling the melted Sakurako off of Tsukasa. This girl has short hair.

"Hi. I am Shigeru," the new girl says.

I nod at her. I have met 2 new people from the start of the day already. I guess Eitoku isn't as boring as I thought it would be.

Tsukasa takes my hand and leads me to the campus. I suddenly realize that I am in a relationship again. I have almost forgotten about that fact when I was distracted by the comical event that happened at the school gate. Worries, nervousness, and frustration wash over me again. I can feel my hand starting to sweat in his. Walking side by side, I look up at him. He is much taller than I am. From the side of his face, I can seeing a little curve of smile hanging on his lips. He looks like a child who has just gotten the toy that he has been begging to own for a long time. I haven't seen him this happy for a very long time. He usually wear a frown or just a cool expressionless face around the others. The happier he is, the worse I feel. Why can't I just love him the way he loves me?

~~~

There is a short break from classes. I wander around hoping to get away from Asai and co. My feet have brought me to the emergency exit again. The place where I over heard Rui and Shizuka's conversation. I push open the door and it is a staircase outside. I walk outside and find the rose garden nearby. I lean against the railing to take a good view of the garden. This school is beautiful. After all, people don't pay good money to go to a crappy school. 

"Hey." I hear someone says. I am startled. I turn around and see Rui standing behind me. How long has he been standing there? I smile at him. I have been waiting to see him for a long time. Finally, we can spend some time alone just like the good old days. He looks at me with his eyes half closed. He looks like he is going to fall asleep any minute now. He sits down on the stairs and I sit down next to him. I ask him if he comes here often and he says, "Yes. I think this is the most peaceful place on school campus." I give him a nod as in saying, "Oh, I see." We sit back and silence befall on us again, enjoying the autumn breeze. Then I ask again with my hands, "Where is Shizuka?" No answer came from Rui. I look up to see whether he fell asleep or not. His eyes are still open, starring up into the sky. So, he is definitely awake. Did he not see the motions I made with my hands? Just when I was about to do those complicated signs with my hands again, Rui's mouth open preparing to speak. The words didn't come out as soon as his mouth open though. After a second or two, Rui says quietly, "She left." His voice is so soft and quiet that even I, who is sitting next to him, can barely hear it. I look at him with wide eyes. What does he mean by "She left"? I give him a questioning look. He looks down at me. For a second there, I thought the way his eyes look at me changed. It wasn't the passive stare. It was more like a look with over flowing emotions. I am confused by the way he looks at me and even more confused as he kisses me on the forehead before hugging me. I feel really small in his arms. I can feel his warmth enveloping me, protecting me from the autumn coldness. His scent, his touch, his warmth. I am enjoying every bit of it. I wrap my arms around him. This position stayed for only god would knows who long. However, when we departed, it was obvious that it was too short, because I feel disappointed as we pull away. I look at him still quite dumbfounded. His eyes turns back to his passive self and then he says, "It's time for you to go to class." I nod and proceed to my classroom, when all I want to do is stay by his side.

Did he do all those that he did just because he is upset by the fact that Shizuka has left? What went wrong between them? Did anything in the conversation they had has anything to do with Shizuka's departure? Where did she go? Why did Rui do that to me? I try to stop the questions from repeating themselves in my mind over and over again. These questions are starting to give me the worse headache. I can't tune into any of the things that the teacher is saying. I try to take notes of what the teacher is saying, but I soon find myself scribbling "Hanazawa Rui" and "?" all over my notes.

School has finally came to an end. I decided to go to the library to study some more, for nothing educational got into my mind during the classes I had after my meeting with Rui. I need to understand the materials taught in class soon since exams are coming up. Going home to study is not going to help a bit. The sight of seeing Rui at home would most probably distract me even more. It is about 6pm and even the school library is closing. I pack up my things, getting ready to go. With books still being carried in my hands, I walk to my locker to pack my belongings. To my surprise, Tsukasa stand waiting there. I can tell that he is not in a good mood. I walk up to him and motion my hands into asking him what is the matter. He looks at me and his cold eyes makes me uncomfortable. Whatever it is that is troubling him, it is something very serious. I haven't seen him like this for years. The last time I saw him looking like that was the time when I first met him. 

"Do you love me?" he asks coldly.

I look at him. To say the truth, I don't know the answer. I have known him for years, of course I love him, but is it the kind of love that he is talking about now? It is quite hard to tell. I like seeing him, playing with him, and sometimes even arguing with him. I like the way he smiles, frowns and cares. I also like his hugs, kisses and presence. Is that love though? I ponder some more on his question. Why is he asking such a question anyways? I look at him with questioning eyes as to why the sudden question. I don't know if he understands or not, for he is not answering. Instead he says something else.

"If you don't love me, then why are you with me?" Tsukasa asks another question.

I know the answer to that. At first it was because I was too depressed by Rui's relationship with Shizuka that I can't stand to be alone. So, when Tsukasa confesses his love for me, I simply accepted it, hoping that his love will cure my broken heart. However, how can I tell him that without hurting his ego or his feelings?

I lower my head, afraid to face him. I don't want him to see through me. If he finds out the truth, not only will our relationship end right this minute, our friendship would probably end with it too. I don't want that. I treasure too much of what we share to throw it all away.

Sometimes I don't even know if I prefer Rui or Tsukasa. As I get to know more of Tsukasa, I find myself attracted to him, but once Rui shows up in front of me, my heart kind of drift to him. I hate myself for being so indecisive. My stupid attitude toward this relationship will only make me regret my action one day.

Tsukasa closes the distance between us. He grips on both my arms and push me against the lockers making all the books that were in my hands to fall to the ground. His sudden roughness is hurting me as I frown in pain. What is he trying to do? I try to wriggle out of his grip but his hands only tightens as I continue to struggle. I know for sure that bruises will appear on my arms if he don't let go now. I glare at him meaning to tell him to back off. His dangerous looking eyes don't seem to twitch a bit by my glare. I know something is really wrong with him now. He usual isn't like that. He looks like he is going to kill me this instance. I can see his violent self has surfaced. Just like times when he bullied kids who merely bumped into him when they were kids. I thought he had learn to contain his anger soon after I met him. I guess I am wrong.

"Can't you just say you love me?" Tsukasa ask coldly. Actually, it sounded more like a demand.

Tsukasa presses his lips on mine hardly. How many bruises am I going to get from him? I try to push him away, but he was too strong for me. His hands then holds on to my wrist, preventing my hands from fighting him. With one hand, he holds on to both my wrists above my head. I try to kick him but his legs presses against mine, making me impossible to move. I feel like I am some kind of live specimen that is being pinned down on a board, just like those specimens we use in Biology lab. Tsukasa's other hand ripped the collar of my blouse, making most of the buttons to fall out of place. I know I am going to lose this fight. Tears slowly well up in my eyes. I never thought Tsukasa can act this way --- to make me scared. His hand moves across my bare skin. I cry silently for Rui to come and save me, like he always does when a bad dream comes to haunt me.

~~~

_I tried to scream and cry. _ _I was really scared. I tried to scream as loud as I could, but not a single sound left my mouth. I pulled and pushed frantically at Mama and Papa but there was no response. There was only silence. No matter how much I begged them to answer me they just won't do as I asked. Droplets of blood made it way down Papa tensed face. I wiped away the blood, but no matter how hard I tried, the bleed wouldn't stop, just like the tears that was flowing from my eyes. All of a sudden everything went dark. I looked around, there was only darkness. I crawled around searching for anything that might be in front of me. There was nothing. Papa was not beside me anymore, nor was Mama or Susumu._

_I blinked my eyes and opened them as wide as possible. It was just a dream. A dream of the death of my family. It was a dream that had followed me to everywhere I go. Even followed me to the Hanazawa resident. Beads of sweats accompanied by fear rolled down my chubby cheek. I wiped them away, re-assuring myself that it was just a dream. It was the past and it won't happen again. "I have a new family, and they are not going to leave me," I told myself. However, no matter what I told myself, I still couldn't get the thoughts of my past family off of my mind. _

_I tiptoed to Rui's room. I quietly opened the door, not wanting to wake Rui, who would be sleeping by now. The door creaked a little and I cursed it for making such noise. Rui sits up on his bed. He knew it was me. He reach out his hand as if inviting me to come in. I walked over to his bed and take his hand. He slightly pull me up on his bed. I go under the covers and find myself a comfortable spot next to him. He knew I had another bad dream again. He brushed my hair from face as his lay down. He put one arm over me protectively as he whispers, "Everything is OK now." in to my ears. Just his presence could chase away the nightmares, fear, and tears away. Sometimes I even thought that he could chase away monsters and any evil beings. Next to him, I would soon fall asleep without having another nightmares to haunt me. I seeked peace and comfort in Rui's presence._

_~~~_

I cry silently for Rui to come again. I want him to take me away from this horrible situation like he did many times when I had nightmares. Rui is not coming, I know. He doesn't know scared I am right now.

I taste the iron of blood in my mouth. My lip is bleed from the rough kiss. I can feel one of Tsukasa's hand going up my skirt and up my thigh. I know we are in a relationship, but I am not ready for that. At least not when I want to tell him that we should be friends again. I want to scream, but no sound came out of me. I want to tell Tsukasa to stop. 

"Nnn....ooo....nooo......" a crooked quiet wail came out of me.

I continue to sob and amazingly, this time, sounds do come out of my throat when I cry. "No......" I said again a little louder. 

Tsukasa has stopped what he was doing. He looks at me and then looks at himself.

"What have I done?" Tsukasa says remorsefully. It seems more like he is speaking to himself. I don't care what he is saying though. As long as he has stopped what he was doing, I am happy. He backs himself away from me as I kneel on the floor crying as loud as I could. After some time later, Tsukasa kneel before me and gently place his hand on my head. I jump a little at his touch and he looks even more remorse when I did.

"Don't worry. I am not going to hurt you anymore," Tsukasa says slowly. His voice has turned back to its normal self.

~~~

Reviews please...


	7. Unforgiving

[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 7: Unforgiving

I staying at my curled up fetal position for some time until I can collect most of myself again. Tsukasa sits a few feet away from me on the floor. I am scared, still very scared. It is a fear that I can't describe. I sob, finding it starting hard to breathe from the stuffed up nose, since I have been crying for way too long. In fact, this is the longest time I have cried that I can remember. Of all the things I have faced, what happened can be count as the 2nd most frightful event in my life. The 1st if the day I lost my family. Just the thought of the death of my family makes my body shudders unnoticing. Ironically, this thought ease the fear I am having toward Tsukasa. I guess by comparing, what I just experience wasn't as bad as I thought as it would be. At least that is what I tell myself for comfort. Tears still flow uncontrollably. I don't need to hide them this time. I am not feeling ashamed for the tears. After all, I am not the one who made the wrong decision and done the wrong act. From the blurry version, due to tears, I can see Tsukasa starts to stand up and take a step toward me. Each step he makes toward me, I move a step back, just like the repulsion of the magnet of the same pole. He lets out a big sigh and I see a tear trickle down his face. I am actually quite taken aback by the sight. Why is he crying? Shouldn't I be the poor helpless victim here?

"Lets go home, OK?" Tsukasa asks gently. It's probably the most gentle tone I have ever heard from him. 

I am not looking at him as he speaks. Just his face would make me angry, scared, confused, and frustrated at the same time. Not only am I scared, I am starting to feel anger and frustration at the moment. Hearing no response from me, Tsukasa continues, "It is getting late. Your family will be worried about you."

Look who is talking here. Who was making my family worry at the moment? It is you, Tsukasa. Why do you care all of a sudden? Weren't you the one who didn't give a damn about my feelings when I struggled in your killing grip?

Tsukasa takes another step forward and on cue, I move a step backward while I am still crouching on the floor. Tsukasa let out another big sigh and wipes away the tear that is threatening to fall. He proceeds his way toward me and I stand up to move away from him. This continues for sometime and before I know it, I am already out of the school building by this "Tsukasa-taking-a-step-forward-I-take-a-step-backward" play. I clutch on tight on the collar and down the opening of my shirt. The buttons had been ripped out by Tsukasa's forceful grasp. Just replaying the scene in my head again sends shiver down my spine. Tsukasa keeps on walking behind me as if "shooing" me home. I don't dare to stop and stand around for him to come closer than 2 meters in radius from where I am. I don't know what he will do this time if he comes close. All this while, I am still crying and wailing. The pedestrians look at me as if I am some sort of animal on exhibit in the zoo. However, I don't care. I just want to cry out all my fear. I take every advantage of wailing out loud my frights. Screaming sure can ease the turmoil in me, this is something I have not experienced for over a decade. I have almost forgotten the feeling of it until now. Some guy comes up to me and asks concernedly about what is the matter. I don't want to deal with any strangers at the moment. Somehow Tsukasa read my thought and pushes the stranger away, threatening to beat him up if he comes closer again. Tsukasa is practically making an open road in the crowded street for me to go through. I don't care what he is doing though, I am not going to forgive him for what he did. The sight of him reminds me of what happened and I can feel the fear creeping into me again. I quickly tear my eyes off him to prevent any other unpleasant feelings to possess me.

After about 30 minutes of walking, I have reached the front door of my home. The only safe place, since this is where Rui is right now. I ring the doorbell since I have drop my keys along with my other belongings in school when Tsukasa pull his act on me. I don't even attempt to calm my crying down a bit as the maid comes to open the door for me. 

"Miss Tsuku..." the maid can't seem to finish her sentence as she looks at the sight of my torn shirt, bruised lips and wrist and me wailing loudly at the doorway.

"Uh...er...I am going to call Mrs. Hanazawa..." the maid's voice trails behind her as she runs to make a phone call.

Perhaps the commotion is attracting much attention, for several other servants in the house emerges from corners and doors to look at me. Again, I don't care. I have suffered enough today and I am going to do whatever I wish to. I know Tsukasa is still standing behind me about 10 feet away. He doesn't dare to come into the house. Maybe he is too ashamed of what he did?

Rui comes out from one of the doors and looks at me for a second before walking toward me. When he finally reaches in front of me, he examines my face some more like he is trying to make sure I am the Tsukushi he knows. After he reassures himself that I am Tsukushi, his thumbs gently slides its way across my bottom lip. I look at him with my blurred vision. Finally, he is here. He is here to chase my nightmare away. I abruptly wraps my arms tightly around his neck, not daring to let go. I am afraid that if I let go now, then everything bad will come and eat me up. He encircles his arms around me. I cry even louder in his arms.

"Shh....everything will be already. Nothing will come to hurt you anymore," Rui coos in to my ear.

My cries soon comes to a much calmer sobs after Rui's soothing words. These simple words are enough to make me feel better already. Rui just has his magic. Rui tries to take a good look at me. He puts his hands on my arm and gently parts me from him. I winces at the pain in my arms. Rui's already upset face, turns to an even more intense frown as he asks, "Are you hurt?" He quickly rolls up my sleeves and found a big purple and red bruise on each of my arms. I didn't even know that the bruises are this big until now. Rui then takes a step backward and takes another good look at me. He eyes trails from my arm to my torn shirt then to my bruised wrists. I feel a little uncomfortable and fidget a little as he stares at me.

"Who did this?" Rui's voice is evidently showing anger and so are his eyes.

I sobs some more not wanting to mutter the name of the person who did this to me. Rui and Tsukasa has been friends since they could ever remember. From the dangerous low growl that is trying desperately to escape in Rui's voice, I can tell, Rui won't be very thrill by the idea that Tsukasa is the one that hurt me.

"Who?" Rui repeats himself. This time showing a little impatient in his voice.

An other tear rolls down my cheek and sobs and all that are coming out of my mouth. I don't want Rui and Tsukasa to fight or be upset because of me. The insignificant me.

"I..." Tsukasa speaks behind me but quickly stops what he intends to say.

I jumps a little at Tsukasa's voice and hide myself behind Rui. For some reason, the sudden sound of his voice startles me and I naturally hide behind Rui. My sanctuary at the moment. Rui looks at Tsukasa who is still standing at some distance outside the house. Tsukasa looks down at the ground not willing to face Rui. Rui suddenly walks away from me and toward Tsukasa. I feel uneasy again when Rui's warmth leaves me. I don't want him to go away. Rui abruptly punches Tsukasa. I gasp. Rui sends a second punch on Tsukasa. Tsukasa is not fighting back. Tsukasa is not at his usual self. Although I am not very happy with Tsukasa at the moment, seeing him hurt still makes me feel bad. I quickly runs up in front of Lei and tell him to stop with the sign language that I am doing with my hands. I seem to have forgotten that I can speak again, but doing the sign language just feels more "right".

Rui stops what he is doing and takes a step back from Tsukasa. I am actually quite relieved as Rui stops beating Tsukasa. I take Rui's hand, leading him into the house. Just before we close the door of the house, Rui turns around and says, "Don't ever come close to Tsukushi again. Ever. I mean it." Then Rui continues his way into the house and I follow behind him. I take one last look at Tsukasa just before I close the door. Again, my heart feels sour when I see the all battered up Tsukasa. Tsukasa looks at me, still half lying on the ground. His watery eyes looks at me pleading for forgiveness. My heart wants to soften as his begging looks seeps into me. I want to forgive him, but another thought of the event make my decision determined again. I shut my eyes, avoiding his stares as I closes the door in front of him.

~~~

This seems like quite a short chapter. O well....I still hope I will get lots of comments. Ai~~~I really study for my exam now. I will be waiting for your reviews.


	8. I Am Being Loved?

[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 8: I Am Being Loved?

I sit on the chair with my mouth wide open. The doctor looks into my throat with the flash light. The wooden popsicle stick that he is digging in my throat is making me feel like barfing. Mom, Dad and Rui are behind me waiting patiently for the doctor to finish examining me. After a few more tests and examinations, the doctor announces to my family that my voice is healed. The thrilled on their face is extremely hard to describe. Mom eyes are becoming very watery. She is on the edge of crying. Dad is not saying anything other than looking at me in the most content way. Rui smiles. A smile that is so rarely seen. All this can sum up to one thing. They are all happy. They are joyous that I can speak again. I think this is the moment that not only I, but my whole family has been waiting for.

I don't know what I should feel though. I never thought that this day would come. Should I feel happy? Being to speak or not isn't that big of a deal to me now, not when my mind is too preoccupied with what Tsukasa did. Why did he do that? He has never been so aggressive to me. What triggered him into doing it? I didn't give him a chance to apologize or explain. I have made up many excuses or reasons for Tsukasa's recent lack of self control. I thought maybe he was just joking around trying to scare me? But that can't be. If he was just trying to scare me, he wouldn't have actually hurt me, leaving all those bruises on me. Then I thought would it be because he was just being a guy and having urges? Urges in the middle of the day and in the middle of the hallway all of a sudden? Is that possible? Tsukasa has always been quite normal. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would suddenly have the urge to have sex. If he is such a sex maniac, there are always plenty of girls that are more than eager to volunteer. So, what is wrong? The way he talked and looked at me, almost seems like he was angry at me. What did I do?

Rui snaps his fingers in front of me and I realize that I was lost in my thoughts again. I look around and the doctors nods at me.

"You can go home now. If anything should happen, you an come back to find me," the doctor says before leading all of us out the door of his office.

I walk between Mom and Dad while they are talking about how to celebrate the wonderful event of my regained voice. Rui taps my shoulder from behind. I turn around to look at him, his eyes showing concern. I slow down my pace to let Mom and Dad walk ahead of me while I walk with Rui behind them.

Looking at Rui, I signal a "What?" with my hands. Rui looks at me and smile, his previous worried face is now covered with the warm smile that he is giving me. 

"You should start to learn to speak with your mouth now," Rui comments.

Instead of speaking, I use my hands again and gesture, "I am lazy to speak. My throat is still tired from cry..." I didn't finish saying the sentence that I wanted to. I don't want to remind Rui of the incident. We have briefly went through what happened after I closed the door in front of Tsukasa. I told Rui that nothing too damaging happened. That is all I said. He seems to know that I don't want to go any further into the topic. So, he didn't push it, since I have already him the critical point that no true damage is done.

~~~

"Get away from me!" I scream. Something or someone is forcing itself on me. I open my eyes wide to take a good look at the face. It turns out to be Tsukasa. Tsukasa lifts his fist and hit it just inches away from my face. I look at the threatening fist that might has the next target as me. The wooden door that Tsukasa just hit now has a crack on it with blood oozing out of the cut he got from the chipped wood. 

"It's your fault!" Tsukasa bellows. He lift his fist and hit again, this time aiming at me.

I open my eyes as wide as possible. I am sitting on my bed with beads of sweat making it's way down my forehead. I look around. It is dark. I feel a little more relieve knowing that I am safe in my room, away from the reach of Tsukasa. Just when I am relaxed, I feel myself falling through my bed. I try to grab onto the sheets that is on my bed but everything just goes through my hand. Soon I land on some hard surface. I look around here and there, I see my birth parents lying lifelessly around me again. 

"Papa! Look at me. I can speak again," I say to Papa as I gently push the lifeless body. There is no reply. Blood is slowing flooding from his body. I shriek in horror. I look at my hands. They are covered with the blood of Papa. I cry.

I sit up straight on my bed. I open my eyes. This time I have truly opened them. Looking around, I am in my room. I look at the clock, it is 3am. I slide my hand across the surface of my bed, making sure that this is a solid bed. I tell myself that it was just a dream. I sit on the bed, not willing to lay down again. I am afraid that I will fall through the bed again, and who knows what horrible situation I will land in this time. I sit trembling on my bed. Go away. Go away. I curse silently to the nightmares that I am having. Something taps the glass of the window and I quickly jump out of bed, ready to run for my life. I look at the window and see that it is only the branches on the tree that is scratching the window. I stand looking at my bed. Somehow, I don't want to get on it anymore. It seems evil. Evil that will lure me into those unpleasant dreams again. I tiptoe out my room and walk the inviting path to Rui's room. At the foot of his door, I stop and hesitate to proceed any further. For god sake, I am already 16 turning 17 soon. I don't want to look stupid to be scared by some dreams that my mind makes up. I look back at the hallway that leads to my room. It is dark and creepy. Without a second thought, I quickly but quietly turn the door knob to Rui's room. There is a small "click" as I open the door. I peek inside with the tiny slit that I have opened. Rui is already sitting up on his bed with his hand stretching toward me. I smile. This is just like old times. I walk in quietly and climb on his bed and lay down next to him. It is just as warm as always. He lay down next to me and look at me as I look at him as we lay on our sides. 

"Having a bad dream again?" Rui asks in the most gentle and quiet voice that can just melt any girls heart. Apparently, I think I am one of those girls now.

I ignore his question. I don't want to admit it and be embarrassed by seeming what a whimp I am. He smiles teasingly at me. He knows the answer without me telling him. Pouting a little, I turn my back toward him. No one speaks again. The peaceful silent is making the path for me to slip into slumber. I am so sleepy to a point that I can't keep my eyes open anymore. I am glad that happens because there is still school tomorrow and I really do need to get some sleep. 

"Tsukushi," Rui whispers.

I hear Rui calling my name, but I don't bother to answer him. I don't have the energy. Whatever he wants to say, he can say it tomorrow. After a few seconds, I feel someone's arm reach across my waist. It is Rui, I know. I am a little awaken by this, but lay still. Rui pull me a little closer towards him as he shift his body closer to mine, his head less than an inch from mine. I can hear his breathing. I keep my eyes shut. I don't want to let Rui know that I am still awake. I don't want him to pull away. I feel a drop of coldness down my cheek. Soon another drop roll down my face. They are not my tears. They are Rui's. Why is he crying? What is troubling him? Oh yes, it must be Shizuka. I haven't seen Shizuka for the longest time now. Did she leave Rui? Why would she do such a thing when Rui loves her so much? My heart ache for Rui. I don't want to see him sad.

"I thought she was enough to fill the emptiness in me," Rui whisper so quietly that I can barely make out the words. Who is "she"? I lay still, hoping Rui will continue with his speech.

"I thought I love her," Rui continues, "It was all wrong. Wrong."

"I thought someday I will forget you. You are my sister after all."

Sister? Me? Is Rui talking about me. I want to sit up right now and shake a decent answer from Rui at the moment, but I know I can't. If I do, it will just make him shut himself up again, like he always does in front of others. It is not very often that I get to hear the deep down feelings of Rui and I am not going to miss my chance now.

"I know I hurt Shizuka, but I don't want to lie to myself anymore. All I ever want to care about is you."

Me? Hurt Shizuka? So Shizuka didn't leave Rui? Rui left Shizuka? Shizuka is such a nice girl, perfect in every way. She doesn't deserve this. I feel sorry for her. I know that Shizuka loves Rui. 

"Seeing you with Tsukasa just add to the pain that I have when I have to face Shizuka lying to myself and to her that I do love her when the only person that I ever want to love is _you_."

I can feel the burning sensation in my eyes as tears slowly fight its way. I hold my breath, not wanting to show any sign that I am awake.

"I want to hear from you that you share the same feeling toward me as I do to you."

"I just want to hear from you saying, 'I love you' to me."

I lay still, not knowing what to think, say, or act.


	9. Friends

[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 9: Friends

It has been a long night. I know neither of us had any sleep. The sun slowly light up the sky claiming it to be dawn. All through the night when I lay next to him, I want to turn around and hug him as closely to me as possible. I want to say or yell a hundred times "I love you" to him. Maybe not 100 times, a million times to be exact. I want to tell him how I feel. I want to kiss him till we run out of breath. I want him know that the love that he is giving me has always been returned ever since the day I met him. I want to tell him that I don't want to be his sister. I want to tell him that what we are will not and can not stop us from loving each other. I want to tell him that our brother and sister relationship is only some meaningless name that the adults give us. There are so many things that I want to do and tell him. Nothing can stop us from being with each other. However, that is not true, I know. If it is true, then I would have done all those things that I want to do during the night - telling him how I am helplessly and pathetically in love with him. Reality always stand in my way somehow. There is Tsukasa. Am I betraying him at the moment? Are we still in a relationship? I can't help but to hate myself. What a mess I have gotten myself into. Why did I agree to date Tsukasa in the first place? Why did I use him? Did I fall in love with him in the mean time? If I really have fallen in love with him previously, I feel I must have not loved him enough, for now all I want is to be with Rui. I want to stay in this position sleeping next to Rui for the rest of my life not moving an inch. I want to be surrounded by the scent and warmth of Rui. I blink the tears away from my eyes. I shift my head a little to take a look at Rui. Although he has his eyes closed, I doubt that he is sleeping. If he is, he wouldn't have fallen asleep for long because it isn't very long ago that I hear his breathing becomes calm again after pouring his tears out. I close my eyes again and this time, slumber finally comes.

I can't feel the warmth surrounding me anymore. Instead, the morning coldness sends shiver down my back. I squint at the sun light that is shining through the curtain. I look at the clock, it is already 10am. I am definitely late for class. When have Rui left? Whenever that is, it must be quite a while ago, since I can't find any trace of Rui's warmth around me. The spot where Rui is supposed to be is eerily cold.

I eventually decide to get up and head for the afternoon classes. Rui has already left for school. Again, he is not waiting for me to go to school. He is always so mysterious and unpredictable and to think we have gotten closer together since last night. How many times do I have to be wrong? When was the last time I am right anyways? 

I sit down at the dinning table as the butler lay out my brunch in front of me. What am I going to do today? Going to school, I am bound to meet one of the F4 today. That is, if they go to school. I wonder if Soujiro and Akira knows about my healed voice. I am quite sure that Rui hasn't tell them, since he has been with me all the while. The only other person who knows about this is Tsukasa. Tsukasa...just hearing his name in my head stiffen my body. How am I going to face him from now on? Things are going to be so awkward. A hand wave in front of me and I recollect my thoughts to reality. I look up and see my butler waving his hand in front of my face. I look at him giving him a "What?" look.

"What would you like to drink today, Miss Tsukushi?" the butler asks.

I hand him an "orange juice" sign. Somehow I don't feel like speaking. I am too used to having express my thoughts and feelings with my hands that it seems weird to speak. I know I am stupid to think this way. I don't know why. Why bother speaking to him anyways? It will probably shock him more than it shock me if I let him hear my voice. 

With my fingers crossed, I chant "I will not see Tsukasa today. I will not see Tsukasa today. I will not see Tsukasa today...". I step in the school ground and shut my eyes as I chant one last time "I will not see Tsukasa today." When I open my eyes, I find out that all my chanting went to waste because standing in front of me is Tsukasa. He is the last person I want to see in the world at the moment. Not that I totally hate him. It is just that it is uncomfortable. I don't know what to say. I look at him. The way he is looking at me make me shift my eyes to stare and the ground. The guilty eyes. How am I suppose to think with those eyes starring at me? At this moment, I have a conclusion. I will just pretend that I was bitten by a dog that day. I will pretend everything is OK. I will just think that he was possessed that day and hope that this will not happen again. I will clear the things between him and me. We will be friends again like old time. Then everything will turn back to normal. It will, right?

His hands slowly and hesitantly reaches for mine. What should I do? Should I stay still and let him hold me or move back? I have decided to stay still. I know I have hurt him enough by closing the door to him. Perhaps he has learned his lesson and not to repeat the same mistake again? His hand gently touches mine and I can see a little smile of relief form on his face as he sees that I am letting him talk to me again. However, the second he touches me, I can't help but to jerk a little. This totally wipes out the smile on his face and be replaced by a frown. I didn't mean to do it. It is just that he touched the sore bruised part. As if knowing the reason for my distance, he rolls my long sleeves up a little to examine my injury. Tears well up in his eyes. I look away. I don't want to see his remorseful face. How am I going to have the courage to break his heart if he keeps putting that expression on his face? 

"I am sorry. I am sorry..." Tsukasa repeats a several times.

I wriggle in his grasp. I want to escape before my heart soften and let the words I want to say to him be locked up behind my guilt.

"I am sorry. I really didn't mean to. I wasn't myself. I am sorry. Please forgive me," Tsukasa begs. I frown and pray to god to bless me with courage and determination to push Tsukasa away.

"I saw you with Rui at the emergency exit. I was afraid...afraid that I will lose you," Tsukasa's tears fall onto my hand that he is still holding. He did that all just because of that scene of Rui and me? Just because he is jealous, doesn't me he has the right to hurt me. Jealousy can kill people. I am angry again at the thought. As I try to calm my anger, I feel a little droplet of water splash onto my hand that Tsukasa is holding. It is Tsukasa's tear. With each tear splashing on to my hand, more fortitude is washed away. 

Tsukusa looks deep into my eyes searching for any forgiveness. I look away. He hugs me. I can't help but to feel uncomfortable. Well, to be honest, how can you ever feel comfortable in the arms of a man who has attempted in raping you? Maybe there are people who would, but that is not me. Hearing him sobs in my hair, my heart soften a little once more. I hate myself. I hate myself for such big heart. It is my weakness, I believe.

He wipes the final tear away from his face and looks at me with his puppy face. Again, he takes my hand a leads me toward my first class. What are we doing? This is not how things suppose to end. At least not how I intended for it to be.

Tsukasa leads me to my next class as we walk through one of the many paths in the garden that is lined with tall trees on each side. The color of the leaves are turning yellow. Winter is approaching. I look up at the man walking next to me. Do I love him? I love him in a sisterly way, but love him as a girlfriend? I doubt it. On his face, I can see a worried look. His grip on me tightens. Perhaps he knows there is just something that he can't hold on to no matter how hard he tries? I don't have the heart to say it, or I just don't know how to put the words together just yet. I let him pull me along as I think of a way to break it to him. I want to think of a less painful way for him. No matter how hard I think, there is just no easy way out. Holding his hand, I feel that it is more like responsibility. Responsibility for soothing his heart when I have made a mistake from the very beginning when I returned Tsukasa's kiss. What I am doing now seems more like "something-I-must-do" instead of "love". With this feeling, I know that there will never be anything sparks between us. At least not now. As for the future, I don't know. 

As we stroll through the garden, I see a figure behind a tree. The man is scrutinizing every movement of Tsukasa and I. I focus my eyes on the figure far away and realize that is Rui. I look at Tsukasa's hand that is holding mine at the moment. What will Rui think? Rui takes one last glance before retreating. What have I gotten myself into? I can't drag this on forever. 

I stop abruptly with my feet rooted on the ground and tug a little on Tsukasa's hand. He turns around and look at me. He knows what is coming. He look at me with the frown of hurt, regret and longing on his face. I close my eyes and shake away any hesitation before opening them again. I can't express what I want with him starring at me. 

"I can't keep up with this anymore," I signal with my hands. Tsukasa stares intently at every movement of my hands, while shaking his head trying to deny what I am telling him. 

"If this continues any longer, it will only hurt us more," I explain, still using my hands. I don't want to say these words with my mouth. I don't want the first few meaningful things that I say will be something that will only bring painful memories.

"If you don't love me, why did you kiss me? Why did you make me feel like I am in heaven only to pull me back to hell?" Tsukasa questions me with his hoarse voice. It seems that every words that is coming from him is draining every last drop of his energy. Somehow his questions of "Why I don't love him?" angers me a little.

"You attempted to rape me. Ask me now why I won't love you again," I gesture with my hands. My face have cringed into a frown. The second I finish my sentence, I start regretting. I am trying to break up softly and now all the effort goes to waste. I look at him. He looks pretty much broken.

"Please, I won't do that ever again. I will learn to control my anger, my feelings. Just give us some time. I am sure we can work things out," Tsukasa insists.

"Although the bruises on my arms will heal, the damages are already done and the scar will forever mark its place in my heart," I signal with my hands, and continue, "What is done is done. I don't know how to trust you anymore. Although we can't date each other anymore, I still hope to be friends."

There won't be, or even only a very slim chance if I will, to ever love him dearly as a boyfriend again.

Tsukasa let go of my hands and lowers his head. I know he is crying. I also know he doesn't want me to see his tears. I stand there looking at him. When he finally lifts his head, he forces a smile on his face.

"I screw things up don't I? I guess we were never meant to be. However, I just want to let you know that I will always be waiting for you. You can don't love me, but you can't stop me from loving you. Just let me stay by your side as friend or as whatever you pleased, OK?" Tsukasa pleads.

I nod and Tsukasa hugs me one last time before we walk our separate ways.

~~~

Sorry for the long wait. I lost everything (the chapter that I typed earlier) since my computer broke down. So I had to do it all over again. I think this chapter is quite boring. Nothing much happened. I was going to type the finally ending in this chapter too...but was too lazy....so, this will be the second last chapter and the next chapter will really be the ending...I think next chapter will be a really short one. Next chapter may only about a few hundred words. Anyways, I hope you all will keep on support me by reading and reviewing!!!! Please, leave me your insights...heehee.


	10. Unspoken Words

[Chi's Work]  
  
Unspoken Words  
  
Chapter 10: Unspoken Words  
  
I slowly walk to the main door of the school. Although my day isn't perfect now, it is better since a problem is solved and a little weight is lifted from my mind. There is only a second thing that I need to make clear. The thought of having everything being perfect puts a smile on my face. I skip to the emergency exit, which I usually find Rui playing his violin. I slowly push open the door and find it unoccupied other than some fallen leaves on the ground. I felt kind of disappointed. However, I know that if he isn't here, there is only one other place where he can be. It is the spot where I marked the "Tsukushi" territory.  
  
All the obstacles and problems that separate me from Rui are non-existent anymore. My pace quicken as my heart thump every time the name "Rui" repeats in my mind. From a far, I can already hear faint music flowing from the isolated tree. I walk closer and see Rui playing his violin. I walk slowly and quietly, not wanting to startle him, for the sight of him playing the violin is like a picture so beautiful that only the heaven can create.  
  
Even when I am so careful not to make the slightest sound, Rui still notices my presence as he stop abruptly just before he plays a high note. He looks up at the sky with his back facing me. I look at him wondering what he will do next. I walk up to him and wrap my arms around him. As if he is startle, his muscle tenses but eventually relaxes. For a few seconds I feel that I am the happiest person on earth until he hesitantly pulls me away from him. He turns around and looks at me.  
  
"What are you doing?" Rui asks with an expressionless façade.  
  
The tone of his voice hurts me deeply. Nevertheless, I try to tell him everything is fine and that things are straighten up between Tsukasa and I. There are so many explanations and confessions to make that I am too overwhelmed to put the words together to say a coherent sentence. So, instead of starting with a speech of a non-stopping chain of words, I simply smile, the happiest smile I ever had. I lean toward him and whisper to him words that I have saved for so long.  
  
~~~  
  
I was seven years old. I stared my piece of cake on the floor, which Tsukasa had just so happily ruined. I didn't how I could ever have put up with him. F3 were long gone from the dinning and were in the garden playing another violent game. Tsukasa had probably forgotten the unforgivable sin he just did when he knock my cake on the floor while running out to the garden. He didn't even apologize. Just as I wanted to go out and beat everything out of Tsukasa, Rui put his hand on my back. I knew he didn't want me to get into another fight with the inconsiderate Tsukasa. On Rui's other hand is his piece of cake. He puts it in front of me, offering his share. It's some like this that I want to yell out how much I love him. However, my inability stopped me.  
  
~~~  
  
There were times when even the weed, like me, would cry. The flying insults thrown at me were never too bad. Yet, sometimes these insults remind me every much of my lost family. I would cry until I fall asleep. Rui would never ask the what, why or how. He understood. He would just stay with me, risking his own sleeping time. At times like these, I didn't know how I would have survived without his comfort. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, but I could not.  
  
~~~  
  
"I love you," I quietly say in him ear just so that only the two of us will ever hear the sweet sound of the three words.  
  
I look again at Rui, whose face is now full of different expressions and questions. I want to laugh, since this may be the first and last time Rui will have such an animated face. I give him another smile and nothing more needed to be said. He leans forward and kisses me. Everything between us is now clear as water because I have finally said long awaited three unspoken words.  
  
End.  
  
~~~  
  
Well, that's the ending. It's kinda cheesy..but whatever. I just hope that there are still people who remember this story to at least finish the last chapter and give me comments/feedback/reviews. By the way, I am too lazy to edit the chapter now. So, if there are grammatical/spelling or even info mistake (coz I left this aside for too long that I have forgotten what I wrote before. I just hope the things said in this chapters matches with the previous ones), just bare with me, OK? Or tell me about the mistake in the feedback/comments/reviews page and I will correct it. 


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